


Whole Again

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-28
Updated: 2007-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:36:47
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Can anything make Jared whole again? Did anyone even notice that he wasn't? Jensen did, Jensen can. A night in the life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: The Huntress

All for you! I feel bad about making you wait, and now the new chappie is taking forever to get validated! Please keep reading! And writing, love your stuff!

BP  


* * *

\-----

 

 

He bit his lip so hard, it nearly bled; but it did the job -it simply wouldn't do to call out Jensen's name right now...

 

Jared was a broken man, he leaned against the wall and the water beat down on him, washing his come of his chest. He felt dirty in that moment. 

 

He bowed his head and stood up, breathing slowing and let the water stream down over his head and face for a long moment before he twisted it off and pulled a towel around his hips. He leaned over the counter and stared at what he knew was his reflection behind the mist on the mirror.

 

He felt the water beading down his body, dampening the towel. He waited until he could slowly see his face. There was a knock on the door and Jared bowed his head.

 

"JT, honey, you almost done in there?" 

 

"Yeah, babe," Jared said, looking at his depressed face; it clashed horribly with his upbeat tone. "I'll be out in just a few.

 

"Okay, I just need my earrings; grab 'em for me would you? They're on the counter." 

 

"Sure, no problem." Jared cracked his head to both sides and eased into character. He pasted a small smile on his face and a bounce in his step.

 

"Here ya go, babe," Jared said, handing Sandy her earrings. 

 

"Thanks," she sat down on the bed and put them on as Jared walked over to his closet and pulled on a pink pattered shirt and loose dark jeans.

 

"Commando, babe?" Sandy asked, coming up behind him with a flirty growl.

 

He laughed and pulled her in front of him. She was wearing those four inch wedges, so the height difference wasn't as bad. He leaned down and laid a gentle kiss on her lips. 

 

She smiled and pulled back, "I almost forgot! We have to pick up Jensen!"

 

Jared released her and pulled on a black blazer, "What happened to him? I mean his ride?" He heard her shrug and started putting on his Texas belt. 

 

"Don't know; he just called your cell and-"

 

"My cell, where's my cell?" Jared asked, turning to face her. 

 

"Hmm? Oh, I put it on the coffee table, why?"

 

"Just...Didn't want to forget it," he said, forcing a grin. ::When the hell did Sandy start answering my cell?:: Jared wasn't sure he was okay with that, but he shook himself. Since when did that bother him? Jensen did it all the time...

 

He pulled on socks and shoes while Sandy sat down on the bed and put on more lip gloss.

 

He gave himself a once over and then grabbed his keys, "Ready?"

 

\-----

 

Jared and Sandy did the necessary poses for the press when they were coming in, and all was well until someone called out for a "JENSEN AND JARED NOW!!!"

 

Jared used the press and his generally goofy attitude to wrap himself around Jensen, who looked professional for a moment, like he didn't notice he had a fifteen foot tall Padalecki clinging to his side and then he smiled and hugged him back. They did the obligatory clean cut press shots and then Jensen leaned up and whispered in Jared's ear.

 

"You heard that Alexis and Milo are here, right?"

 

Jared schooled his features not too grow tense. He laughed and whispered back, "Tell me this is some sick joke, man."

 

Jensen shook his head. "Sorry, man," Jensen said, "I know how that ended."

 

Jared nodded, but he didn't. No one really knew why he'd left Gilmore girls, not really. And he had no desire to tell them.

 

Jared laughed again, and leaned back towards Jensen's ear, "Please don't leave me alone with either one of them."

 

Jensen laughed and nodded, "Sure thing, Jay," he slid his hand around Jared's back, and Jared wrapped his arm around Jensen's shoulder. They took a few shots, and then Jared looked back over at Sandy, she waved and blew him a kiss. He used it as an excuse to pull back from Jensen. He needed that excuse, too; because he couldn't ignore the feeling of Jensen's hand just over his ass for much longer and not lean down and kiss him.

 

"I'm gonna go take Sandy inside, 'kay?"

 

"Sure, I'll come with." They both walked over and Jensen hugged Sandy, picking her up and spinning her around. She giggled and smacked him on the chest, "Jensen!"

 

Jared wrapped his arm around Jensen's neck in a playful choke hold and walked him inside, "Gonna teach you to respect ladies, boy."

 

"Boy," Jensen laughed, allowing Jared to usher him inside where there wasn't any press, "I'm older than you, Jay."

 

"Yeah, but you act like a three year old."

 

"And you like a two year old." Jensen quipped back, earning him a cuff on the back of the head.

 

"I'm gonna go mingle, I think I saw Nikki around somewhere." Sandy leaned up and kissed Jared on the cheek. "I'll find you, but you have to mingle, too."

 

Jared rolled his eyes and watched Sandy walk away.

 

"Grab a beer and commandeer a TV?" Jensen asked as soon as she was out of hearing distance.

 

"Hell yes," Jared breathed, "Game's on."

 

Jensen grabbed them a case of corona and followed Jared. They were at some random hotel in Canada. What the fuck was Milo doing there?

 

Jared growled and pulled a beer out as they sank onto a couch. Apparently, they weren't the only two who wanted to escape the hubbub in the lobby and dining room. A few other guys were in the room with them, yelling at the game.

 

They sat in comfortable silence, bitching and moaning when something went other than the way they wanted it to go. 

 

After a particularly bad shot, Jared groaned and slouched on the couch. After a while Jared finally realized how he was sitting. 

 

His head was _thisclose_ to laying on Jensen's shoulder, Jensen's arm was on the back of the couch around Jared's shoulders, his hand was on Jensen's thigh ::When the hell had he put that there?:: and their legs were pressed together...

 

Jared froze, afraid Jensen would notice and dump his beer over Jared's head. After a few minutes, Jared stood up and stretched, Jensen looked at him questioningly.

 

"I'll be back, duty calls." Jared said vaguely. Jensen nodded, "'Kay, I'll be here."

 

Jared walked away, heading to the bathroom for some privacy. 

 

He looked in the mirror. This wasn't fair, this was not how it was supposed to go tonight. He was supposed to have seen Jensen on the carpet, and then he was supposed to disappear with his date while Sandy dragged him along to meet and greet like a pro. Milo wasn't supposed to be there and Jensen wasn't supposed to sit there and not notice that Jared was pressed up against him, begging him to kiss him... He wasn't supposed to be in love with his best friend, wasn't supposed to jerk-off to his image in the shower, feeling like a sick fuck for using the memories he filed away from changing and swimming and hanging out as friends and turning them into sexy little mental movies.

 

He could only imagine the breach in privacy, how that would feel... He swallowed around the lump in his throat. He was a total dirt bag. 

 

He was in love with his beautiful co-star. His beautiful bi-sexual co-star that didn't -and would never, see him as any thing more than a friend, his best friend, but a friend none the less. And it killed him.

 

Jared scrubbed a hand over his face.

 

He tried, he tried so hard to fall in love with a woman, God, if he tried any harder he'd kill himself. 

 

And Sandy... Sandy had no idea, how was he supposed to tell her? He shook his head, he couldn't; he knew that.

 

He clenched his jaw angrily as he looked at himself in the mirror. It wasn't right. Being gay wasn't right, it wasn't okay. It wasn't the right choice to make. 

 

That's what he'd been told, that's what he was working so hard to over-come. 

 

The dirty feeling he got thinking about his friend was increased ten-fold by the fact that his best friend was a guy.

 

He bowed his head and then slid back into character: Happy, straight, in-love-with-his-girlfriend Jared Tristan Padalecki. He cracked his knuckles and stepped out. Shit.

 

"Hey, Jared." 

 

"Milo," Jared answered quietly.

 

"I just... Thought you should know, I told Alexis." Jared's head shot up, "What? You did what?"

 

"I told Alexis about what happened, I didn't mean to, we were arguing and it just kinda came out."

 

"Fuck, Milo; what the fuck..."

 

"I'm sorry, man, I really didn't mean to."

 

Jared looked down at Milo for a long moment and saw regret there, "No, it's... It's fine. You didn't mean to, so it's fine."

 

"Milo, why don't we just go over here?" And there was Alexis, wrapping her arm around Milo's and tugging him away. But Milo stood firm. "How about we don't," he said, looking at her.

 

"Where have you been, JT?" Sandy asked, wrapping him in a tight hug. 

 

"Who's this?" Alexis asked, surprised to see some chick clinging to Jared.

 

"I'm his girlfriend Sandra." Sandy had a bit of attitude in her all of a sudden, "Who're you?"

 

"I'm Milo and this is Alexis," Milo said, shaking her hand with a smile, "We worked with Jared on Gilmore girls."

 

"Call me Sandy then," Sandy said, smiling at him sweetly. "Any friend of JT's is a friend of mine."

 

Alexis was still looking confused, but she looked apologetic as she shook Sandy's hand, "It's nice to meet you."

 

Sandy studied her for a moment and then smiled, "You, too."

 

"Hey, Jared!" He heard someone chirp from behind him, he turned to look and smiled, "What's up Kristen?"

 

"That's Mizz Bell to you, ass munch. You never called me after I got on Heroes," she crossed her arms and looked a little hurt.

 

Jared clasped his hands together and fell to his knees before her, "Forgive me oh great one!" She didn't moved and he took the three steps on his knees and hugged her, his head on her stomach, "Pweeeese Kwisten! Pweeeeeeeeeeeeese!"

 

She laughed and pushed him off, "Fine, fine, just get up already."

 

Jared got up and hugged her tightly, "You like it there?"

 

"Yeah, I do. Milo, hey."

 

"What's up, Kay Bee?"

 

Jared leaned back and was surprisingly okay with Sandy chatting up Alexis and Kristen chatting up Milo. He didn't mind not having to say anything.

 

"I thought you said you couldn't make it?" A husky voice said, a strong arm wrapping around Kristen's tiny waist. 

 

"I got out of the appointment..." She kissed him, "Hey, you guys know Jensen, right?"

 

Jared watched Jensen wrap himself around Kristen, pressing himself against her back and nuzzling her neck. He felt the green-eyed monster rearing his ugly head and so he silently slipped out back onto the private patio and leaned against the wrought-iron fence. Then he thought about Milo. 

 

"I can't believe that fucker told Alexis, what the hell... He fucking... Son of a bitch," he was so busy muttering his little rant that he didn't hear the door open.

 

"Who talked to Alexis about what?" 

 

Jared stiffened his spine, and lifted his head, but didn't turn around. "Didn't know you were dating Kristen."

 

"We aren't really," Jensen came over and leaned his forearms on the fence, mimicking Jared. "We both just know it's better to come with a date, and she had some waiter guy hitting on her like crazy so I... *We* played it up. Didn't mean anything."

 

"Sure, sure..." Jared nodded, made sense.

 

"So who told Alexis what?"

 

Jared slumped. "Nothing, no one..."

 

"Uh huh, sure." Jensen pulled out a half stale pack of cigarettes and flicked a zippo Jared was sure he had stolen from set. Jared looked at the gray tendrils wafting into the sky. He looked over at Jensen, saw the tip glow red hot and then watched those pouty, heart shape lips purse as he expelled blue smoke.

 

Jared lost his character for a moment and plucked the cigarette from Jensen's fingers. Jensen didn't say anything, opting instead to take out another cigarette and light it. Jared looked at the cigarette in his hand and took a drag.

 

The menthol soothed the burn the smoke caused as it seared down to his lungs. He waited a moment, holding it in his lungs and then exhaled. Everything seemed to spin and he swore, putting his head down.

 

"Yeah, that happens on the first one," Jensen said quietly, and then exhaled, "Don't worry that goes away."

 

Jared waited until the world stilled and then looked at Jensen. He shook his head and pulled in another drag. A slight spinning sensation followed by this wonderful feeling that his muscles were all relaxing. And now he knew why people smoked when they were stressed as fuck. 

 

He pulled another drag.

 

"Dude, slow down." Jensen broke in and stole his smoke back, tossing it over the fence, "It's your first time smoking, you do too much too fast you're gonna get sick."

 

Jared nodded, paused and then stole Jensen's new cigarette, immediately taking a drag. 

 

"Son of a bitch," Jensen muttered and waited until Jared passed it back with an exhale. "You know Sandy's gonna be pissed to hell when she finds out you've been smoking." Jared shrugged, "She'll deal with it."

 

"What?" Jensen asked, and passed the smoke back. Jared looked at him as he pulled another lungful. "Since when do you not care what Sandy thinks?"

 

::If she keeps talking to friggin' Alexis it won't matter anymore.:: Jared thought, but shrugged instead of saying that out loud.

 

"Talk to me, Jay." Jensen took a long drag and whipped the lit cigarette over the fence.

 

"Nothing, it's nothing."

 

"Bullshit," Jensen swore silently, "You've been off for months, hiding it pretty well, but still..."

 

"You've noticed?"

 

Jensen shrugged, "Duh, I was gonna talk to you sooner but Sandy said nothing was wrong so I let it go."

 

"Sandy... Right..." So Jensen had noticed and Sandy hadn't. Fuck, that didn't help matters.

 

"So what's going on with you, Jared? The only time you act even half way like yourself is when we're hanging out at your place and you pass out on me after Mikey and Tommy head home. And any time Sandy's around you act like you've got a stick up your ass, you act like we barely know each other. So tell me what the fuck is going on." Jared didn't say anything. "What, did Sandy find out I was bi-sexual or something?"

 

"No!" Jared said quickly, knowing that very few people knew about Jensen's sexuality.

 

"Then what is it?"

 

"I... I can't tell you."

 

"You once told me that you could tell me anything; you were trashed, but you said it all the same."

 

Jared forced a smile at Jensen's attempted joke, but didn't say anything.

 

"Come on, man... I've told you pretty much every secret I have, save one or two, if I can trust you with that, why can you trust me with the same?"

 

"It'll... Change the way you see me." And as soon as Jared said the words, he realized that maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing... Maybe if Jensen knew... Then... He looked up at Jensen and was surprised to see the hurt in his eyes.

 

"You think that little of me?"

 

"Aw, Jen; no. It's not like you'll hate me or something, but I just... It would change how you view me." Jared shrugged, "And I don't want you to... I dunno, man."

 

Jensen studied him, "What did Sandy say when you told her?"

 

"I didn't."

 

"Chad?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Does anyone know?"

 

"Yeah, but I didn't tell them."

 

Jensen cocked his head to the side and then watched Jared's head fall down on his chest, he stepped foreword and laid his hands on Jared's shoulders, his voice was low and scratchy, "Jared, I love you, man; nothing's gonna change that..."

 

"Look, I was just gonna ask you if it was true, but I think I'm just gonna go to your apartment and get my stuff." Jared whipped around, knocking Jensen's hands from his shoulders, "Sandy, it's not like that. Jen and I were just-"

 

"I don't care what you and ' _Jen_ ' were just doing, it really doesn't matter. What does matter? This is over. This lie between us, it's done."

 

"I think I should let you two talk-" Sandy threw up her hand and interrupted Jensen. "Don't bother, Jensen. I don't have anything to say, and I don't care what he says."

 

Jared swallowed thickly, "Do you need a ride home?"

 

Sandy flinched, tears starting to fall, "That is not what you were supposed to say."

 

"Sandy... There's nothing I can say to change what I did."

 

Sandy blinked, "I heard a rumor about you and Jensen kissing for the camera's... Came out here to tease you, I thought it was a joke and then I walk out here and hear him say he loves you. And you look like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. What did you think I meant?"

 

"I... I..." Jared looked at her and then at Jensen and then just walked away.

 

"Jay... Jared wait!"

 

"JT!" 

 

Jared didn't turn around when he heard either of them call his name, he couldn't.

 

He walked out feeling sick. The camera's flashed as he walked to his truck. A moment later he heard the camera's start again. "Sandy! Sandy! Why are you crying!"

 

"JT! Wait!"

 

"Jay! I'm sorry! It didn't mean anything! I thought she knew that!"

 

"Jensen! Sandy! This way! Over here! Did you steal Jared's girlfriend? Sandy, did you leave Jared for Jensen!"

 

"SHUT UP!" Jared spun on his heel looking back at the press. "JUST SHUT UP!"

 

He walked around and climbed into his truck.

 

\-----

 

Jared packed all of Sandy's things into her suitcase and left it in the front hall and walked up onto the roof.

 

Jensen was there.

 

"Are you fucking kidding me? Sandy here too?"

 

Jensen shrugged, "I got a ride from Kristen, dunno what Sandy did. Dude... You've got to tell me what's going on with you."

 

"See, I don't though. I really don't." But even as he said the words he was sitting down.

 

"Jay... Come on... What did you think Sandy was talking about? I'm guessing it has to do with Alexis?"

 

"Yeah, maybe..."

 

"What, she doesn't know about the thing you had with 'lexis?" Jared closed his eyes and let the character he'd been building up for a year collapse around him, he let his shoulder's slouch and let the tiredness seep into his body. He became the shell of a man that was utterly in love with Jensen.

 

"I never had a thing with Alexis."

 

Jensen looked confused, "But I thought...?"

 

"I lied."

 

Jensen's face went blank.

 

"I couldn't tell anyone what really happened so when the story was leaked that I had a torrid affair with her... I just let everyone think it was true."

 

Jensen sat down on a folding chair next to Jared, "So what did happen?"

 

"Don't hate me?"

 

"Never," Jensen swore.

 

Jared pulled in a deep breath and started to speak...

 

*~*~*

 

There had always been a weird tension between them, and Jared didn't know what it was from...

 

No, that was a lie; Jared knew exactly why it was weird on his end, it was Milo he wasn't sure about.

 

So, after wrap he pulled Milo into his dressing room and asked him what the fuck was going on. Or he meant to. But Milo grabbed him, kissed him, and Jared... Not only did Jared let him, but he fucking liked it.

 

First they were kissing, then touching... And then Jared was falling to his knees... Unbuttoning Milo's pants, pulling him out... Sucking and licking... And then Milo was coming, and he was swallowing and swallowing... Then he was crying and then Milo was leaving and Jared was broken... There was nothing he could do...

 

*~*~*

 

"I'd never felt as right as I did in that moment, with that weight on my tongue, that heat in my mouth, strong hands in my hair..." Jared sobbed, sucking in a desperate breath, "And I'd never felt that wrong...

 

"I'm not supposed to feel like that, like this. I'm not supposed to love a man... I'm supposed to get married and have 2.8 kids and a picket fence and it's supposed to be a pretty little thing on my arm; a girl that loves me, a girl that I love..." Jared just kept talking, barely hearing the words he was saying, but knowing it was too much. "It's not supposed to be a man, a six foot tall greek god with hands as big as my face, it's not supposed to be someone with shorter hair than me, or broader shoulders...

 

"It's not supposed to be a *guy* that smiles at me a certain way and makes me blindingly hard, it's not supposed to be a *guy* that makes my skin tingle when he touches my hand, or brightens my day with a simple gesture. It's not supposed to be a guy that makes me feel like I matter... Or a guy that I want to hold me... I'm supposed to be the strong one, I want to be the strong one; but I can't. I can't be the strong one anymore.

 

"I feel like I'm breaking down and no one can see it. I feel like a walking talking mistake and no one cares enough to correct me." Jared knew he was crying, and he didn't care, "I can't keep doing this, Jen... I can't keep acting like nothing's wrong, like I don't feel like I'm slowly dying... I just... I can't..."

 

"It's not wrong to love someone, Jay-"

 

"It is when he doesn't feel the same!" Jared sobbed, "It is when you think about him all the time and it's all you can to not to kiss him... It is when you think about him and you feel so wrong because you use innocent things and turn them into..." Jared shook his head. It felt so good to purge like this, but at the same time it was killing him. He felt so wrong, Jensen was trying to make him feel better for being a dirt bag. "It's so wrong to love him..."

 

"Jay... Come on, man... I mean, everyone gets a broken heart every now and then... You just have to work past it."

 

"I don't know if I can... I love him so much, and I can't even tell him... I talk to him all the time, and one of my best friends fuckin' hates him..." Jared watched as Jensen ran through a list of people that he hated, knowing Chad was the only one that came to mind. Fucking Chad, are you kidding me?

 

"Look, Jay, I mean... Um..."

 

"It's not Chad, you dumb ass." Jared looked at him, knowing he was about to lose the most important person he had in his life. "It's you."

 

Jensen stared at him. Jared shuddered, a combination of the feeling that Jensen was reading his soul and the thunder in the distance. A rain drop landed on his hand, and then one on his arm and the rain was pouring down... But Jared didn't dare move. Jensen wasn't saying anything, and Jared knew it was his turn.

 

"How do you know that... That your feelings aren't returned." Jared cocked his head to the side, but didn't say anything. It was a moment before Jensen continued, "I'm not an idiot Jay, I've seen how you look at me when no one else is around..." Jared bowed his head, hiding his face, "I just... I thought you didn't want anything because of Sandy... I didn't know that you didn't want something because of some twisted sense of what's right... Jay... You friggin' idiot."

 

Jared's head snapped up, rain dripping down his face, "Hey, fuck you-"

 

"Later," Jensen whispered, and grabbed Jared head, leaning over to kiss him. Jared's eyes closed, his hands lifted of their own accord to Jensen's arms, slid down them until they rested on Jen's waist. Some how they were standing, kissing languidly and easing into each other's arms and standing. Just standing in the rain, kissing, touching, loving.

 

And that's when Jared realized he'd lied. He hadn't felt most right when he was on his knees for Milo...

 

He'd felt most right when he was with Jensen. Didn't matter what they were doing, just that they were doing it together... 

 

And now he had his prefect moment... His lips on Jensen's in the middle of Vancouver, just kissing in the rain. 

 

Jared was whole again.


End file.
